Striving towards Excellence

“No one ever understands me!” Many complain thus. Only a weak mind would wail like this! For, no one with mental toughness would moan like this! On the contrary, they claim that they understand the others around them.

This is applicable even to couples. Many couples live like enemies under one roof, because of a lack of understanding.

In everyone’s mind, there is a map of how others should be. We create pictures based on this map — how to laugh when happy, how to cry when sad, how to behave when angry... The answers to these are well defined in everyone’s minds.

We constantly try to view others in terms of our maps. If someone does not fit the image, we get upset. The question however is, should the map fit the territory or should the territory fit the map?

Here is an example.

A wife had the notion that speaking aloud was tantamount to showing disrespect to others. Her husband, from a different culture, felt that speaking aloud on an important issue would draw attention to the point being talked about.

What would be the result of this difference in perceptions?

Whenever the husband wanted to emphasize what he was saying, he would raise his voice. The wife would consider this as disrespect and move away. According to the husband, walking away from a discussion was disrespectful to others. So he would raise his voice still further and say, “Listen to what I have to say before you go!”

Just consider for a second, what would happen if the reactions were violent?

An ordinary conversation between the two would create a great rift between them.

Another example.

A wife was brought up in a culture in which the word ‘goose’ was a term of endearment. She liberally called her husband ‘goose’, meaning ‘darling’ or ‘sweetheart’.

The husband, from a different culture, viewed this as an insult. While studying in school, he had been branded as an ‘goose’ for no fault of his. This lingering insult surfaced whenever his wife addressed him thus.

Again consider for a second, what would happen if the reactions were violent!

When you converse with another, particularly while dealing with a problem, do not look at the literal meaning of the word spoken. Doubly check how the spoken word is understood by the spouse. There is a tantrum trigger in everyone.

Let your experience guide you. Please understand, each word triggers a subjective meaning in an individual. This subjective meaning depends on one’s own background. Be sensitive to others.

Check out this incident.

A Saint was delivering a discourse. During his discourse, he asked one of his favorite disciples, “Krishna, has it got in?” (he meant, had the student understood the lecture).

Krishna, whose attention had been diverted by a rat entering a hole in the wall, answered, “All except the tail has got in.”